There is tomorrow

I don't think I have ever debated the content of one of my posts like I have this one. Probably because it isn't a topic that I put right out there in people's faces, and the thought of upsetting family or friends that read, kind of keeps in me in check for this topic. I don't like the idea of causing someone to be upset by reading. (It is a strange thought...I'm aware of that.) The debate started back in April for me. Alexandria Marie's birthday is what started my great personal debate. I wanted to do a post like I had done for each of the girls on their birthday's about the some many years ago today. The thing is I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get past the thought of how I would upset family by posting pictures of her here, so I skipped it. In my continuing quest each year to find a way to bring some kind of peace to my heart on the difficult days, I'm doing this post today. The good news is that there is always the option for people to click on the little red x up in the corner and just not read this one.

Fourteen years ago on April 13th our third beautiful little girl was born. Alexandria Marie was a beautiful, and perfect addition to our group of girls. For seven weeks she blessed us with her presence and then on June 6th she died. She was never sick, there was no way of knowing what was to come. There were no signs of what would be. It just happened. We woke up and she was no longer with us. To make it worse there were no answers as to the why other than a small acronym S.I.D.S. There was no reason, no one to scream at, no real tangible thing to explain just why this little girl died. In a split second my heart broke into a million piece on a morning 14 years ago today, and every year since then, there is an aching pain in my heart. For seven weeks of every year I think about every minute of every day and I wonder. Every year on this day I feel a pain that is beyond explanation, but tomorrow it will fade back into the mended space in my heart where she dwells. Today there maybe tears, the empty aching feeling, and sadness, but tomorrow it will all fade back into hiding. Tomorrow there won't be a desire to read and see if anyone is any closer to figuring out a why. Tomorrow there won't be questions from my girls about "Mommy why do you look so sad?" Today I will hug all of them and tell them just how very much I love them, and my arms will ache to hold her. The thought of just one more day has never crossed my mind, I wanted a life time, but it just wasn't meant to be. Tomorrow I will be able to look at her picture that hangs in my room with a poem, and even though the sadness will still be there, it won't be today.

Author Unknown

When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with
the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world
seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to his fold,
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few
To make the land of Heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be "Goodbye".
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find.