Self in thought, originally uploaded by torri_g.
Oh another week has passed and I was looking forward to being able to come here and say that had 16 days...two complete weeks plus two days without smoking. Instead I can tell you that I had 15 straight days without a cigarette, which really isn't a small deal for me. At the appointment to check progress and get next month supply of medicine on Monday Ms. K. A. was very happy with my progress. When I did the breathing test to check the carbon monoxide levels there was no way to make it any more clear just how happy I was with my number than throwing my arms up in the air and doing a cheer of "YES!" From a number of 60 to 4 in just three weeks, something to celebrate really. By the way the average non smoker has a number of 1-5, and I had a reading of being a non smoker and I could not have been happier about that.
Now to share about yesterday. Yesterday I made a choice, and heaven knows I may make the choice again, but I'm not going to hide it because that isn't going to get me anywhere with this. I smoked...I smoked 5 cigarettes. Why? Because I wanted them. Because after trying to fight the urge for half of the day my body and mind were making life miserable for me. But mostly because I made the choice to smoke them and nothing more. I have a lot of habits that I have to learn to redirect while making this journey. Yesterday, my biggest and possibly hardest one won because I chose to let it. When I lit the first one Binky Sue was close enough to see what was going on and hear me say "I'm sorry". She thought I was talking to her, but I was saying sorry to myself. Now no I'm not beating myself up about it here, but I really did feel sorry about for myself. 15 days of being able to beat the cravings and urges, and all gone just like that. Each one I sat and smoked I thought about that and wanted it less and less and by evening wanted to get going forward on the journey again instead of the backwards step that I had taken. After all it is one day, and today is a new day. What I know today is that I'm not giving up. I really do want to quit and will work hard every day to achieve that...but odds are still very high that I'm going to have days where I will make a choice to smoke and I need to deal with that by picking back up and going at it yet again the day after.
So here I am on day one again, and in that pack that was opened three weeks ago there is still one. My goal for the next week, to be able to return next week with one full week, and maybe a new way of dealing with some things.
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