Ever Changing Way

IMG_4642, originally uploaded by torri_g.

Another year of April 13th coming and going, and me sitting here this morning happy about getting through another year in my own way. Birthdays are a celebration of life and growing, but when the little one that a birthday is for is no longer with you it leaves you pretty lost on just what to do. No matter how many years pass without Alexandria there are dates on the calendar in my mind that just will never leave. Yesterday was her birthday and she would have turned 15. I have found in the last 15 years that every year finds me with dealing with it in whatever way seems the most fitting. This year was just simple...sit and cry. It is difficult sometimes because the Mom in screams out that I need to be spending the day getting things ready for a family celebration. Finding or baking the perfect cake, getting the presents that she would want, preparing whatever special dinner was requested, oh and let's not forget the early morning birthday dog pile that happens in this house. Instead of those things though I find myself wondering. Wondering what she would look like, wondering what kind of personality she would have, tons of things to wonder about.
Yesterday it was a day of the very simple things reminding me to smile and that the day would eventually pass, and that today that part of my heart where all the thoughts of her live wouldn't hurt as much. A simple e-mail from my sister in law telling me that she was thinking about me and one very special little girl. A phone call from my Mom just to talk and see how I was doing. A ton of text messages from my Binky Sue while at school doing her very best to make her Mama smile. Army guy saying "I understand" when I tell him that I'm trying. I may never have a perfect way to pass the April 13th birthday of little miss Alexandria Marie, but at least I'll never doubt that those around me understand and will ride the day out with me doing it however seems best on any given year.

I hope that everyone has a good day, find the beauty in the day around you because even just the most brief moment of beauty can touch you for a lifetime.

Shadows creeping in

IMG_4453, originally uploaded by torri_g.

It seems that I have lost my inspiration to pick up my camera and go out and shoot. It has been like this for a week plus now. I guess it is time to admit that my yearly after the March birthdays crash is in full swing. The crash comes because of dreading dates on the calendar. A wonderful day in April when a child was born, followed by a horrible day in June when that child passed away, and the seven weeks of her life that fall in between the two. I have found over the years that the harder I try to fight it the worse it actually is, so time to just go with the flow of it again. It has been a couple of years since the coming of April hit me so hard so early, but that's okay, some years just have to be that way. I'm guessing though if April is already bothering me so very much that I really need to look of for June and seven weeks between the two dates.
I'm going to hold on tight though, because this year marks 15 years of getting through this time period so it isn't like I don't have a lot of practice at it. I know to let myself celebrate the joyful things when they arise. I know to let myself feel the anger on the days that it takes a turn. I know to let myself feel the sad, even though that is almost what I dread the most. To be honest I kind of expected this year to hit a little harder because of all the major changes happening in life right now. There isn't a day that I don't think about her anyway, but as we near these months she jumps from the background thoughts to right up front.
Oh heck, there are probably more entries like this coming, so why hit you to hard with the very first one.
I hope that everyone is having a good week so far, or at least rolling with the flow of whatever the week is bringing your way.

Eighteen Today!

Proof 11, originally uploaded by torri_g.

I have spent a good amount of time this weekend thinking about Binky Sue turning 18, and even with doing that I still don't know just what to say other than WOW! The feeling of not really knowing just where the last 17 years went is amazing. I'm wishing that I could find the ability to type something great here this morning, but I doubt that I'm going to find that here today. My first baby girl is eighteen, and even though she swore she wasn't ready, I know in my heart that she is.

Binky Sue I have watched you grow from a very happy baby to a beautiful (most of the time) happy young woman. Your drive and determination to achieve any goal you set for yourself, blows me away. I know for you the months counting down to this day and graduation in two months have had you fearful of the "what do I do next". But I have no doubt that you will find just what path it is that you want to put your once so tiny feet upon. Remember that you have the job of breaking the ground with all of the "Firsts" for Mommy, and while there is no end to being a Mommy there is a time we have to step aside and let wings be spread to start your own flight through life. Today is one of those major mile stones with another one steam rolling up upon us both.(Enough time to think about that one later though) For today enjoy a wonderful birthday and remember that Mommy is old now and might not be able to keep up with you at the mall. : )
I love you much my Binky Sue and hope that today is all that you want it to be!