Maybe it is because the last month has been one heck of a roller coaster ride, or maybe because my mind has been a million other places, but today has not been the dreaded painful that June 6th usually is. The usual dark clouds that surround my heart on this day gave way to some light, and laughter. Whatever the reason for it I'm not going to question it at all I miss you Alexandria Marie, and if tonight typing this is the only time I cry today, then I'm doing far better than any of the last 15 years. It has been a year of big miles stones here for your sisters, and I have found myself almost daily drawn to thoughts of you, and where in the mile stones you would be. I have found there is nothing wrong with that, till the fact that you are no longer with us hits me. I think because today so many of the little ones that I have asked you to keep watch over had reasons to celebrate today, placed it firmly in my mind that sometimes this date on the calendar isn't so bad. Over the course of the day I have watched your sisters, and listened to them and their laughter and found a real thankful comfort with it. I may no longer have you here with me, but in my heart just like them, you will always be here with me. I love you very much my sweet little angel, and continue to do the great job of keeping watch over your sisters and all of the little ones that hold a place in my heart.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Ever Changing Way
Another year of April 13th coming and going, and me sitting here this morning happy about getting through another year in my own way. Birthdays are a celebration of life and growing, but when the little one that a birthday is for is no longer with you it leaves you pretty lost on just what to do. No matter how many years pass without Alexandria there are dates on the calendar in my mind that just will never leave. Yesterday was her birthday and she would have turned 15. I have found in the last 15 years that every year finds me with dealing with it in whatever way seems the most fitting. This year was just simple...sit and cry. It is difficult sometimes because the Mom in screams out that I need to be spending the day getting things ready for a family celebration. Finding or baking the perfect cake, getting the presents that she would want, preparing whatever special dinner was requested, oh and let's not forget the early morning birthday dog pile that happens in this house. Instead of those things though I find myself wondering. Wondering what she would look like, wondering what kind of personality she would have, tons of things to wonder about.
Yesterday it was a day of the very simple things reminding me to smile and that the day would eventually pass, and that today that part of my heart where all the thoughts of her live wouldn't hurt as much. A simple e-mail from my sister in law telling me that she was thinking about me and one very special little girl. A phone call from my Mom just to talk and see how I was doing. A ton of text messages from my Binky Sue while at school doing her very best to make her Mama smile. Army guy saying "I understand" when I tell him that I'm trying. I may never have a perfect way to pass the April 13th birthday of little miss Alexandria Marie, but at least I'll never doubt that those around me understand and will ride the day out with me doing it however seems best on any given year.
I hope that everyone has a good day, find the beauty in the day around you because even just the most brief moment of beauty can touch you for a lifetime.
