Shadows creeping in

IMG_4453, originally uploaded by torri_g.

It seems that I have lost my inspiration to pick up my camera and go out and shoot. It has been like this for a week plus now. I guess it is time to admit that my yearly after the March birthdays crash is in full swing. The crash comes because of dreading dates on the calendar. A wonderful day in April when a child was born, followed by a horrible day in June when that child passed away, and the seven weeks of her life that fall in between the two. I have found over the years that the harder I try to fight it the worse it actually is, so time to just go with the flow of it again. It has been a couple of years since the coming of April hit me so hard so early, but that's okay, some years just have to be that way. I'm guessing though if April is already bothering me so very much that I really need to look of for June and seven weeks between the two dates.
I'm going to hold on tight though, because this year marks 15 years of getting through this time period so it isn't like I don't have a lot of practice at it. I know to let myself celebrate the joyful things when they arise. I know to let myself feel the anger on the days that it takes a turn. I know to let myself feel the sad, even though that is almost what I dread the most. To be honest I kind of expected this year to hit a little harder because of all the major changes happening in life right now. There isn't a day that I don't think about her anyway, but as we near these months she jumps from the background thoughts to right up front.
Oh heck, there are probably more entries like this coming, so why hit you to hard with the very first one.
I hope that everyone is having a good week so far, or at least rolling with the flow of whatever the week is bringing your way.

Sibling Sunday...Three Days Till Christmas

Christmas2008, originally uploaded by torri_g.

"The way you spend Christmas is far more important than how much"
-Henry David Thoreau

Every year I'm slow in finding my Christmas joy. I've known why for a good while and it has a lot to do with the race and the rush of other people during the holiday season. Being shoved around and out of the way for someone to get that gift that they just can not live without, even if they are going to end being back in the store the day after Christmas return it. Something happens for me every year though that helps kick in that excitement. My Sweetpea makes a trip out to a store with me, and I hear my thoughts come out of her mouth about it isn't about the gifts, it isn't about rushing and racing, it is about family, memories, and love. This usually happens a couple of weeks before the holiday so I tend to lose motivation but come baking time I remember and find myself having the same excitement as any of my girls. Years of memories of much smaller hands helping to make the Christmas Eve sugar cookie dough, thanks Grandma G for sharing that recipe in the family cookbook oh so many years ago. Trying to scrape dough off of busy moving fingers and almost needing 8 arms of my own to get it done, but calling in the backup of Daddy for a good strong arm for help. Flour flying everywhere and of course me wearing something black so it can stand out the most. As each of them have gotten older they play more of a role in getting the baking done. They help gather what is needed, measure, mix and repeat. They still talk me into doubling a batch of cookies even though just one would be more than enough. They still want those cookies to be giant sized so as to make the baking time a guessing game for me. They all still want to be able to claim the title of "I had the very first cookie!" and of course they want it when they still have to blow on them because they haven't had enough time to cool. They don't test just one for quality, they have to test many...and I'm always surprised when we manage to get the sugar dough in the fridge to wait for Christmas Eve. without huge chunks of it missing. The things that they remember from Christmas's past make me smile, and laugh. Seeing Christmas through their eyes, hearing their laughter, is where I find my joy.

For this Sibling Sunday before Christmas I asked each of the girls to write a list or a letter with Christmas wishes.

Little Bug's Letter

Dear Santa,

I would like to be able to write better. Also I would like to ask for a better year next year for my whole family. But mostly for better writing...yep better writing.

P.S. Did I mention better writing?

Binky Sue's Letter

Dear Mr. Claus,

I am writing to you to discuss what I wish for Christmas if I was good. I have 3 wishes to tell. One, I wish for good health. Two, I wish for an even better year. It's not like I didn't like this last year, just that things could always be better. Third, my BIGGEST wish, is for me to never ever, ever, EVER to grow up. I don't think it's big. There are lots of people who wish for peace of Earth. Look at it now, no sign of peace. So staying young like how you live forever, can't be that hard of a thing.

I will write to you again next year.

Respectfully,

Binky Sue

Sweetpea's List

• For great Christmas memories
• To be happy with family
• To have a good meal (not sure if this means that she has never had one)
• For it to snow (Umm...not very likely)
• For EVERYONE to have a GREAT holiday season

I agree with Sweetpea on the last one. I hope that everyone has a great holiday season filled with memories and happy family times.

Christmas music

Well after lots of frustration with light strands, I'm happy to say that decorating for this year is done! I even finally got the Christmas music dug out and loaded some into the cd player. Which brings me to the topic choice for today. Thirteen days till Christmas and what is your favorite song?


I have two favorites...Silent Night and Little Drummer Boy. If you haven't guessed by the player that I added to the side bar, I love songs sung by Bing Crosby. My most favorite way to hear Silent Night though, is it being played with a flute, and just a flute. I started playing the flute when I was in third grade and played straight through high school. Sometime around fifth grade it became a Christmas eve tradition for me to play it for the family get together. The first year I was terrified beyond belief, and that pretty much stayed that way for the next couple of years. As each year passed and I got better at it the terror passed too. It was the same simple version every year and after the first couple of years I no longer even needed the sheet music to be able to play it. For whoever was hosting our yearly get together I would have a copy of the sheet music and make a decorated card with it in the center. I will admit that there were years as a teenager that I thought the whole thing was kind of goofy. However, a funny thing happened because of all those years...Every time I hear Silent Night playing I hear me and that flute. It doesn't matter who is singing it, or how good they are. I hear a flute playing it, and to me it is the most beautiful sound.

Little Drummer Boy...well that one was just my most loved song when I was little. I can remember my Mom having an record album (yes I typed record album!) that I would listen to that song over and over again. For the life of me I can not remember just who it was singing on the album, but I can remember that I just so loved his voice. There are several version by several artists that I love, but his voice singing it is the one that I want to hear.

Alright time to come out of the past and back to the present time. I hope that everyone has a good Thursday, and that all things holiday related are going smoothly. See you tomorrow for the Feline and Furball Friday post.